Heck No I Won't Go!

Okay, this is the first time I have blogged without a plan. This could go anywhere. Be prepared to change topics in the blink of an eye...just thought I would warn you. I seriously think I have a problem.I feel that I am addicted to the hospital. I'm serious! I had an ultrasound yesterday and that pesky cervix that landed me here in the first place has finally decided to "straighten up and fly right" . It has grown! I am very pleased. I have prayed for this for two months now. Praise the Lord, prayers CAN be answered. Either that or those"vitamins" that the friendly nurses give me every morning really contain a secret "miracle grow " compound that they are trying out experimentally and secretively on poor unsuspecting patients! (I warned you that this post could go anywhere.) I however , choose to believe in divine intervention. One would expect me to be dancing, packing my bags, and saying " so long room 424!", but I'm not. I even had a doctor come in and ask " So, you want to go home?". I quickly told him in a high pitched , squeaky stressed out voice not to pressure me ! I think he got a little scared.He told me the look on my face was one filled with anxiety. I think saying I showed a little "anxiety" was putting it mildly. I am almost certain it was the look of a woman holding on by her teeth , ready to snap and lose it at any moment. I wasn't at all surprised when he made a quick exit! I probably looked like the girl form the Exorcist! Don't get me wrong, I want to go home. I miss my family. But....to tell you the truth, I'm scared.It seems like every 30 minutes I am changing my mind about what I should do. I don't make decisions well. Never have, never will.It is amazing that I am such a high functioning adult. I would never be able to play "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" because having to say that something is definitely my "final answer" is just to much of a commitment. I'm pathetic. My nurses, my husband, and various friends tell me that a couple more weeks here won't hurt. Obviously what I am doing is working and who knows what would happen if I went home and got thrown back into the crazy environment that I live in. At home I would still be on bed rest, but it would be noisy, someone would constantly want my attention, and I would be expected to have at least SOME responsibilities. All of that is enough to make a woman contract! I'm not really a bad mother, honestly. In fact, I would say I'm pretty good. It's not that I don't want to do all those things at home its just that ...being in the hospital is ...well...kind of nice. In the hospital I see adults EVERY day. They are nice people too who genuinely seem to enjoy my company as well. ( Of course maybe when they leave my room and go back to the nurses station they have a different story to tell, who knows) . I get my food brought to me. Granted I don't really like the food, but it is food and I don't have to feel like I am putting anyone out to get it. My bed gets changed constantly thanks to the nighttime "bed police", I have a constant supply of water and ice, and my room gets cleaned.... everyday! ( My room at home almost never gets cleaned because it is the last on my list!) I kind of feel like a princess. The only difference is that I rarely get to feel the wind on my face and my room feels smaller everyday. I guess that would make me lean a little more toward the Rapunzel instead of Cinderella on the princess scale. Another thing that I'm sure a princess doesn't encounter is the fact that there are people who walk through my door early in the morning and late at night. I can definitely say that when I was living on my own I never had a strange man stand over my bed first thing in the morning to ask me if I was "leaking, bleeding, or cramping". If there had been I would have probably gotten all crazy and pulled a kickboxing move on the guy. ( I took kick boxing for a short time in college...I also took Irish dancing, so maybe I would do a little Riverdance on the strangers face. Either way, it wouldn't be pretty). I feel like a fraud staying here. I feel like everyone is talking about me and how I should just go home. At any minute I am sure that someone will come in screaming about how I am just an attention grabber and that I should go home so that someone who REALLY needs the bed can have it! I know, I know...I'm sorry. I promise to go to confession about this...its very stressful. I feel like I'm living a lie. But, on the other hand, should I really care? I'm paying for the privilege to be here and if I need a little , tiny bit more time to grow my baby in the quiet environment of the hospital so be it! My goal has always been to take this baby home with me when it is born. I would hate to leave too early where my baby would have to spend even a day in the hospital without me! And, if on the day I am discharged, I walk to my open door with the whole free world before me and I just stand there with a blank look on my face, its okay. If someone needs to get behind me and push a little that's okay too. As a busy mom I get so little time to myself, and while this was not exactly how I would have liked to spend my free time at least I can say it was definitely all to myself.