Don't Sweat the Sweet Stuff...

Gluclose Tolerance Day! Oh joy of joys! Gluclose Testing is the one thing every pregnant woman must endure and no one looks forward to . It's right up there with stretch marks, extra unwanted hair, and swollen ankles. It's a right of passage if you will. I don't want to over glamorize it, because it was definately not a day I was looking forward to . I was hoping since I was in the hospital they would overlook the fact that I needed to get the testing done. Curses on them for doing their job! My testing day started first thing in the morning. A lab technician came in , took my blood and handed me the nice 10 oz. bottle of flavored sugar water. They flavored it orange to make those of us who don't know any better ( first time moms) think that it would be a nice fruity drink.It's much like the trick that nurses do when they give you a shot. They say they are going to count to three, but lucky you gets the big old needle on two! That kind of deception will only work once! Since I am an old hat at this pregnancy thing I knew exactly what my little "morning beverage" would taste like. I immediately tried to do some damage control. I asked for a cup of ice. For some reason this repulsive concoction tastes better cold. I have no idea why, but I knew that if ice would help me keep this junk down, then ice I would get! The pleasant technician gladly supplied me with my ice cup. Just then, the technician leaned against the wall, crossed her arms and said " I need to watch you drink that." She went from friendly to intimidateing. I immediately felt like a prisoner doing a random drug test with someone making sure I wasn't smuggling in "clean pee"! A rational mind would say that there is no way someone was worried that I would tamper with the results( how could I?) , but my pregnat mind started to sweat! Was she staring me down? Will she watch my every move? Suddenly the simple little act of drinking a super sugary drink became very stressful. I reluctantly began to drink , partially because I wanted it over with, and partially because I was scared of the guard...uh...technician. The stuff tasted like snow cone syrup without the snowcone. It has more sugar than anyone should put in their body at one time. Since I was guzzling my drink painfully slow it gave me time to think of all the ways someone could create the same effect as the gluclose testing, but by more pleasurable means. I came up with three great ideas! You could eat two Krispy Kreme donuts, a double scoop waffle cone from Bruster's icecream, or one big glass of Sweet Tea from Mc Allister's Deli. I would have the testing every week if they needed me to just to have those treats! I vowed right then and there that if I made it through this test in one piece I would write a letter to someone telling them of my idea so that other innocent mothers wouldn't have to suffer. Who knows, I could radically change the way prenatal care is given from this day forward. I would be a hero to all the pregnant women of the world! Maybe I was procrastinating enough with the daydreams so I pulled my head out of the clouds and came back to reality and the task at hand. Getting the drink down and keeping it down. When I was finished, I looked at the tech and said " All done". I paused after saying that because I was unsure if this situation warrented me opening my mouth and sticking my tounge out at the tech so that she could verify that I did indeed swallow the mixure and wasn't just holding it in my cheeks. But, I made a quick judgement call and decided to keep my mouth shut. I did , however, look down at my "empty " cup only to find that the ice cubes that I had demanded were tinged orange signifying that there were a few drops remaining. I am sure my eyes immediately got shifty. I was afraid that I would get caught, so I did what anyone would do in that situation. I changed the subject, hid the evidence , and takled a little louder than normal to hide my guilt! She never even questioned me, can you believe it? I must be a pretty good actress. She said she would come back in exactly an hour to take my blood again. If she passed the hour mark the test would be considered null and void and I would have to do it again!There was NO way I was going to let that to happen! If I had to pull my poor atrophied body out of my bed, hunt her down,and drag her back by her hair she would be on time. I know it sounds harse, but I'm just passionate. Passionate about how much I hate gluclose testing and do not want to repeat it! One hour to the minute that I had finished my "drink" the tech showed up . Boy was she lucky, because if I had gotten out of the bed, I would have....I would have...I would have ...(sigh) done nothing. Frankly I'm scared that the nurses would yell at me if they saw me open my door. But, if she had been late she surely would've gotten a displeased look from me and that would have said it all! Having survived the testing I decided to reward myself with some breakfast. I picked up a piece of cinnamon bread that my mother in law had made me and took a bite. Even though it was delicious, I stopped in mid chew. I suddenly realized what a horrible mistake I was makiing. I was putting more sugar into an already saturated body! I had visions of my innards crystalizing into rock candy! I carefully put down the bread and called my nurse for a much safer alternative....saltines and peanut butter. Not the breakfast of champions, but at least it wouldn't put me into a sugar coma! When my nurse came in to deliver my provisions she asked if I wanted to do my contraction monitoring while I ate.Uh...let me think about that....NO! The last thing I wanted to do was feed my baby a zillion times its body weight in sugar, strap it down to a machine and see if it irritates my uterus enough to contract.I'm not traditionally a betting woman, but I'd say it probably would. I know that when my kids are all loopy from sugar they tend to irritate me,I can't imagine my uterus being much different! So, I passed on the monitoring knowing I had all morning to accomplish that task and decided that I was going to stay far, far away from sugar for as long as I could. I would be strong. I needed to cut out excess sugar anyway, it wasn't healthy. I was excited to be turning over a new leaf! I lasted until lunch!

73

That's the number of ceiling tiles in my hospital room. It only took me three weeks to get bored enough to count. I'm keeping so busy here, I don't have time to get bored often. Each day starts at exactly 7:30 am with doctors coming to make rounds. Since I don't like the idea of people creeping up on me while I'm sleeping ( I've seen too many horror flicks) I set an alarm and get up and dressed before they come. This usually works, except for that day when a doctor had come to the hospital to perform a c-section and decided to make rounds a little early. I understood, why go home just to come back a few hours later.But, did she HAVE to do it at 4:30 a.m.? While I found this surprise visit a little disturbing and annoying it did shake up my day. See what I mean about never a dull moment? After the doctors do their rounds the morning festivities begin. I get my morning treats...a vitamin and a ...uh..."poo"pill. I am so favored by the nursing staff that they slip me a second "poo" pill at night. Now, if you asked them I'm sure they would say it was doctor's orders, but I can't verify that information. I think they are trying to cover with that story. I'm sure they would get in trouble if they showed too much favoritism to one patient. After my lovely "treats" I get my blood pressure and temperature taken . This happens 4 times a day. I have been observing my various nurses to see if anyone has unique method to this procedure, but have yet to find one. Then the nurses listen to the baby's heartbeat and strap me down to monitor for contractions. Hearing the heartbeat is awesome, but sometimes the unexpected can happen. One night, while listening to little baby Frank my nurse, my husband, and I'm sure the lady next door were treated to something unexpected, intestinal noises! Now, we've all been there before...your stomach growls or your intestines "creak" utterly embarrassing you because you are sure that everyone around you can hear. Imagine , if you will those sounds being broadcast over a speaker! I'd be lying if I said it wasn't embarrassing, beccause it was...very. One thing for sure it definately was NOT boring! Another fun thing that I get to do each day is order my meals. I order three meals a day from a very impressive looking black menu , which I've memorized. It's all very upscale, please.control your jealousy. Ordering meals is always an adventure.Even though I'm careful to order things that I know have a high probability of tasting okay, sometimes I'm wrong. Twenty-five percent of the time I don't even get what I've ordered. They often leave things off or substitute items. I think the cafeteria staff does that for our best interest. They want to shake things up and break up the monotony of the day. I appreciate the thought, I do , but the last thing you want to mess up is a pregnant lady's food order! One day I ordered green beans. I was trying to be mindful of my nutritional needs. When I opened up the container holding my vitamin rich green beans I was livid to find that it was filled instead with ...apple cobbler! I wanted to call someone and explain to them that my baby needed its green vegetables not this sugary concoction that was in my bowl. But, since I do have quite a bit more time here I didn't' want to rock the boat so I ate the cobbler. But I didn't like it! Okay...I did. How could someone possibly get bored when all this excitement is happening around them day after day? Wednesdays are extra special for me here in the hospital and I can tell the nursing staff thinks they are special too. Wednesdays are shot days. The shot is intended to keep me from going into preterm labor, but I think they have healing properties for everyone. My usual Wednesday nurse can come in looking tired and worn out, but put that shot in her hand and she comes alive! On more than one occasion she has come into my room smiling and dancing! It gets me excited for the shot too. I tell you it is such an uplifting experience that I think we should let all the tired or depressed people in the world to walk around with a syringe full of progesterone. It would do wonders and possibly bring about world peace. Of course, one could say that the more obvious reason for her mood change has nothing to do with the shot itself, but the joy of inflicting pain on another human being. I am not so sure that stabbing people in the bum is the best outlet, but if it can make her happy I'm glad I can be there to help. Nothing is predictable in this crazy rabbit hole. I swear even the clocks are in on the fun. I swear that sometimes the clocks are not just slow ...the go backwards. I will look at the clock and see 3:30, an hour later I'll check again and it's still 3:30! Now I've come up with a few theories for this . 1.I desperately need more practice with analog clocks. 2. My eyes are just terribly weak from the pregnancy. or 3.) Somehow this hospital is stuck in some kind of time warp. I haven't decided which one is more plausible. I'm saving that to do tomorrow. So, as you can see, life in the hospital is exciting and unpredictable and I only have about 1 1/2 months left to enjoy it. For now I will soak up every crazy moment. Here is my plan for the next few weeks...Eat , Pray, Love. I will EAT any chocolate that comes my way. I will PRAY that I stay pregnant and that my family stays safe, and I will LOVE the fact that I ( at least for a little while ) don't have to empty the dishwasher!