Now Showing: Christine ...Unplugged

For 3 months I have been tethered like an untrainable dog to a medicine pump. It catches on everything, I have had to take extra precaution in the shower, and it has woken me up at night begging to be "fed" with yet another vial of medicine. It has been a very inconvenient lifestyle. Well, as of tomorrow morning I will be going unplugged! I am excited and regretful at the same time. I am excited to be free of the burdens that accompany this medical intervention. I can move around with out wearing a fashionable blue pouch attached to every outfit I wear. I won't have to stick myself in the belly with a new needle every 5 days. I won't have to get up in the middle of the night to change the meds or figure out why in the world the thing is beeping at me. It's freedom, something I haven't had completely since I got pregnant. But, on the other hand I'm really not looking forward to this change. ( I know...very Sybil of me~!) I know that I will have a baby soon. I'm glad and I really can't wait to meet this little one but I'm not ready. It's not because the nursery isn't complete...I haven't even started . It's not because I don't think I can handle 4 kids...piece of cake. I'm not ready for several reasons. First, I have finally gotten back to my kids and have assumed some of the mommy duties. It feels great to be giving my kids the attention that I haven't been able to give for the many weeks of my hospitalization. Also, the contractions are under control with the medicine even when I do activities. I have so , so , so much to get done before the holidays that it would be nice to "postpone" the birth as long as possible. Simple things like trying to unpack my hospital bags and clean up from under the destruction of my house, donate toys, etc. I get so winded now that each task either gets half done, not done, or takes twice as long. And finally I don't want to let go of this pregnancy because it is probably my laast time " growing " a person. I want to feel the baby's movements and kicks for as long as possible. I want to memorize everything about that feeling. It's bitter sweet. The detaching of my pregnancy life line ( my medicine) means new life and the end of a chapter. But this is what I have been working for and praying for. God has gotten my baby to full term. I look forward to being a mommy again, and if that maternal instinct hits me in the future ...I'll just get a dog.